Monday, July 24, 2006

Out There. Even for Fox.

From's "Out There" archive comes these gems:
There exists a place — a solemn hall of shame, of sorts — where the profane, snide and otherwise inappropriate greeting cards you always wished for go to die...

...Included among the discarded messages are Christmas cards [These are my favorites.]:

FRONT: “Spread some holiday cheer.”

INSIDE: “Or drink alone. Who am I to judge?”

FRONT: "Christmas just wouldn't be the same without peanut brittle."

INSIDE: “Or Jesus.”

Birthday cards:

FRONT: ''My ex-girlfriend had a cat named Love because she said that's what it gave her.''

INSIDE: ''So I called it Bloody Forearms. Hope no one gets you a cat for your birthday.''

Wedding and engagement greetings:

FRONT: ''Did I hear wedding bells?''

INSIDE: ''Or was that the natural disaster siren? Sometimes I get them confused. Whatever it was, it was loud. Congratulations ... or take cover!''

FRONT: ''Marriage is a bond that is unbreakable except by two-thirds of the population.''

INSIDE: ''But it's you top-third couples that give the rest of us hope.''

Get well cards for any occasion:

FRONT: (Big smiley face)

INSIDE: “Hi! Welcome back from your coma!”

And even cards for your mom:

FRONT: ''When I think of you, Mom, I swell with pride.''

INSIDE: ''At least I hope it's pride. Otherwise, I'm pregnant again.''

How could these potential knee-slappers end up on the wall of shame?
And from the same archives come this story that will strike close to home for many of us:
Just Another Evil Kitty Turned to a Life of Crime

FAIRFIELD, Conn. (AP) — Residents of the neighborhood of Sunset Circle say they have been terrorized by a ruthless, hairy, scary prowler — a crazy cat named Lewis.

Lewis is so scary, in fact, that he's been personally issued a restraining order by the town's animal control officer.

"He looks like Felix the Cat and has six toes on each foot, each with a long claw," Janet Kettman, a neighbor said Monday. "They are formidable weapons."

The neighbors said those weapons, along with catlike stealth, have allowed Lewis to attack at least a half dozen people and ambush the Avon lady as she was getting out of her car.

Some of those who were bitten and scratched ended up seeking treatment at area hospitals, so Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira placed a restraining order on him.

It was the first time such an action was taken against a cat in Fairfield.

In effect, Lewis is under house arrest, forbidden to leave his home.

Solveira also arrested the cat's owner, Ruth Cisero, for failing to comply with the restraining order and reckless endangerment.

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