Ohp, they spotted me.

Contrary to popular opinion, I do work pretty hard at my job. But I feel that I do waste an inordinate amount of time on occasion.

Like today. When my boss is out of the office, the phone isn't ringing off the hook, and I'm basically shuffling papers. Well, computerized papers, mostly.

But apparently, people like me (and you - don't question it!) cost America just over half a trillion dollars every year because of our lazyness.

On that note, I should get back to work. But in my defense, they survey was based on an eight-hour work day, and I'm "working" at least nine-hours a day.

Hi ho, hi ho...

Out There. Even for Fox.

From FOXNews.com's "Out There" archive comes these gems:

There exists a place — a solemn hall of shame, of sorts — where the profane, snide and otherwise inappropriate greeting cards you always wished for go to die...

...Included among the discarded messages are Christmas cards [These are my favorites.]:

FRONT: “Spread some holiday cheer.”

INSIDE: “Or drink alone. Who am I to judge?”

FRONT: "Christmas just wouldn't be the same without peanut brittle."

INSIDE: “Or Jesus.”

Birthday cards:

FRONT: ''My ex-girlfriend had a cat named Love because she said that's what it gave her.''

INSIDE: ''So I called it Bloody Forearms. Hope no one gets you a cat for your birthday.''

Wedding and engagement greetings:

FRONT: ''Did I hear wedding bells?''

INSIDE: ''Or was that the natural disaster siren? Sometimes I get them confused. Whatever it was, it was loud. Congratulations ... or take cover!''

FRONT: ''Marriage is a bond that is unbreakable except by two-thirds of the population.''

INSIDE: ''But it's you top-third couples that give the rest of us hope.''

Get well cards for any occasion:

FRONT: (Big smiley face)

INSIDE: “Hi! Welcome back from your coma!”

And even cards for your mom:

FRONT: ''When I think of you, Mom, I swell with pride.''

INSIDE: ''At least I hope it's pride. Otherwise, I'm pregnant again.''

How could these potential knee-slappers end up on the wall of shame?

And from the same archives come this story that will strike close to home for many of us:

Just Another Evil Kitty Turned to a Life of Crime

FAIRFIELD, Conn. (AP) — Residents of the neighborhood of Sunset Circle say they have been terrorized by a ruthless, hairy, scary prowler — a crazy cat named Lewis.

Lewis is so scary, in fact, that he's been personally issued a restraining order by the town's animal control officer.

"He looks like Felix the Cat and has six toes on each foot, each with a long claw," Janet Kettman, a neighbor said Monday. "They are formidable weapons."

The neighbors said those weapons, along with catlike stealth, have allowed Lewis to attack at least a half dozen people and ambush the Avon lady as she was getting out of her car.

Some of those who were bitten and scratched ended up seeking treatment at area hospitals, so Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira placed a restraining order on him.

It was the first time such an action was taken against a cat in Fairfield.

In effect, Lewis is under house arrest, forbidden to leave his home.

Solveira also arrested the cat's owner, Ruth Cisero, for failing to comply with the restraining order and reckless endangerment.

Wow.

Saddest Thing EVER

This is quite possibly the saddest thing I have ever seen. Not only is this poor little kitten not going to ever make it onto CuteOverload, it is going to be horribly confused all the time because it has TWO FACES!

Of course, Fox News has coverage of this poor little abomination of a Two-Faced Kitten Born in Oregon in June. Complete with slightly freaky picture. (Which I did not have the heart to post here.)

This not only brings new meaning to "another mouth to feed," (which in this case goes to the same stomach, so does it really apply?) but also makes you wonder why we still havn't seen Tom Scientology Cruise's new baby (born around the same time). But I think the take-away message from this freak-of-psudo-nature is that Eastern-Oregon Rednecks should never be allowed to breed animals. As cute as miniature cast would be, it seems like it would only end in tears.

Norris vs. Hasselhoff

After watching the truely frightening new video from the Hoffmeister again, I realized that this is all new footage. At first I figured it was just a re-edit of an old video that he had made in Germany, or somewhere. But as I watched, I realized that Hoff looks quite a bit older in this video than in the older ones. I have thus concluded that (a) this is a truely new video, and (b) that Hasselhoff infact does age!

Had I really been tricked into believing all the hype that Davey was super-human? Maybe I just wanted to believe it, but alas, it can't be true. Well... it can't all be true. He very well could still be super-human, but he can't escape aging with the rest of us.

Unlike the other super-human being that prowles the internet insearch of orphans upon which to snack: Chuck Norris. Now there's a fine specimine of internet hype! Like they say, Chuck Norris doesn't sleep; he waits.

And somewhere among all of this, I thought, "Hey, in an epic battle to the death, who would win: David Hasselhoff, or Chuck Norris?" After being assured that The Hoff would for sure Hassle Mr. Norris to death (because he is apparently the devil walking on the earth (see video)), I was still pulling for Chuck.

This being the internet and the age of Google, there was only one logical way to solve this conflict:

Google Fight

Yes, that's right, Google Fight. Where you can pit any two search terms against eachother in a quest for victory.

The results, I must say, were to my liking. With 11,900,000 hits, Chuck Norris pwns David Hasselhoff's measily 5,870,000 hits.

So there you have it. Another one of life's mysteries solved, thanks to me and my friend, the Internet. ;)

Is that a banana in your ear or are you just happy to see me?

Ring ring ring ring, ring ring ring; Banana Phone!



"Turn your cellie into a classic gag prop with this foam banana phone cover. Slip in your mobile and you'll look like a maniac talking into a piece of fruit. Comes in clamshell and candy bar phone versions. Hillarious!"

Yeah, fo' rizzle! Complete with slightly creepy spokes girls/models.

First, there was the stupid talking into actual fruit gag, then there was Raffi, now there's this crazy thing that some guy in SF California came up with. (Available at FredFlare.com) This might be a little too OTT... but I still think I'm gonna order one... eventually. I mean, ten bones? C'mon, it'd be about the funniest thing ever.